a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
