i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
