Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize