the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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