I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
