we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
