my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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