come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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