you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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