Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
