i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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