Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
