sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
