they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
