Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize