You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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