I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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