i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
