What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
