my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
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