i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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