I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
