I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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