her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
