i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
