My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
