just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
