New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize