this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
