The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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