Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
