Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize