Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
