Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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