Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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