we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
