girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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