Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
