Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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