i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
