I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize