He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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