Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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