Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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