The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize