My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize