If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We talked him into tasing himself.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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