I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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