My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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