Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
