I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
