When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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