when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
