I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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