I wish I could punch you in the face.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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