my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
