I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize