I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
