wrigley field is MILF paradise
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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